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Work Related Jokes-1

1. Work Place Negotiations

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

2. Game of Mathematics

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying:-- "My friend, you have not worked here for even one day." The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager:- "How many days are there in a year?"
Man:- "365 days and some times 366."

Manager:- "How many hours make up a day?"
Man:- "24 hours."

Manager:- "How long do you work in a day?"
Man:- "8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day."

Manager:- "So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?"
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said) 8/24 hours ie 1/3 (one third) of the day."

Manager:- "That is so nice of you. What is one-third of 366 days?"
Man:- "122 (1/3x366 = 122) in days"

Manager:- "Do you come to work on weekends?"
Man:- "No Sir."

Manager:- "How many days are there in a year that are weekends?"
Man:- "52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days."

Manager:- "Thanks for that. If you subtract 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?"
Man:- "18 days, Sir."

Manager:- "OK. I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove those 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?"
Man:- "4 days, Sir."

Manager:- "Do you work on New Year day?"
Man:- "No Sir."

Manager:- "Do you come to work on workers day?"
Man:- "No Sir."

Manager:- "So how many days are left now?"
Man:- "2 days Sir."

Manager:- "Do you come to work on the National holiday?
Man:- "No Sir."

Manager:- "Do you work on Christmas day?"
Man:- "No Sir."

Manager:- "Now how many days are left?"
Man:- "None Sir."

Manager:- "So, what are you claiming?"
Man:- "I have understood, Sir. I did not realize that I was stealing Company's money all these days.

Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!! HR=HIGH RISK

3. Height or Length?
 See also " Management"

A team of young budding Managers were given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So the Managers discussed and put up a project plan with roles and responsibilities. The Manager who was responsible for organizing the resources went out and got a ladder and a measuring tape. The tape measure was just the ordinary tape to measure only 6 feet.

The lead manager assigned another manager to go on top of the pole and start measuring the pole. They were falling off the ladder, dropping the tape in the process of measuring the pole - the whole thing was just a mess.

At the same time an engineer came along and saw what they' were up to. He walked over, pulled the flagpole out of the ground, laid it flat, measured it from end to end, gave the measurement to one of the managers and walked away.

After the Engineer went away, one manager turns his head to another manager and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for height and he gave us the length."

[No matter how good engineer you are, Manager always finds fault in you.]

4. Universal Laws of the Office...

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm while all around you there's chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job right the first time gets the job done. Doing the job wrong 14 times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Hang in there, retirement is only 30 years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

5. Deadlock

Boss said to his secretary : "For a week, we will go abroad, so make arrangements."
Secretary gives a call to her Husband : "For a week, my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself."

Husband gives a call to his secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so let's spend the week together.
Secret lover gives a call to small boy whom she is gives private tuition : "I have work for a week, so you need not come for class."

Small boy gives a call to his grandfather : "Grandpa, for a week, I don't have classes 'coz my teacher is busy. Let's spend the week together."
Now the Grandpa, who was the boss, gives a call to his secretary : "This week I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting."

Secretary gives a call to her husband : "This week my boss has some work, so we have cancelled our trip."
Husband gives a call to the secret lover : "We cannot spend this week together; my wife has cancelled her trip."

Secret lover gives a call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition : "This week, we will have class as usual."
Small boy gives a call to his grandfather : "Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can't give you company."

Grandpa gives a call to his secretary : "Don't worry, this week, we will attend that meeting, so make arrangements."

Now......... .... This is called a deadlock.

6. Circular

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 45 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPE(d) can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED, can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.

Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

 

 

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Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Contact: sushmajee@yahoo.com
Modified on 09/24/13