Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar (a place in India)! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.

3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

5. My child has already learnt 'Microsoft Word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft Sentence', so when you will provide that?

6. I always wonder why you have kept 'enter' button without keeping the 'exit' button?

7. It is surprising that windows says 'My Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

8.. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

10. You provide 'My Network Places'.. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'.. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Last one from me to Mr Bill Gates : "Sir, how is it that your name is GATES but u are selling WINDOWS?"

After selling the Microsoft, Bill Gates died and came to God. "Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this case. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you have helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. So I'm also going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you yourself decide where you want to go."

Bill said, "This is great, God. If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!" To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell." As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going with him. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How are you doing Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water you showed me?"

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX) Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:--- If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics :----

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash....... . twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the motorway for no reason. You would have to pull it to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the Sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

So, here's the trick: You can go nearly invisible on Facebook — nobody will be able to view your photographs, see your activity or where you've checked in except for existing friends — but still have an account to use around the web.

If you're ready to move into Facebook stealth mode, follow these simple steps:

(1) Visit Facebook.com, log in to your profile and click 'Account' in the top-right corner. From there, choose 'Privacy Settings.'

(2) From the 'Privacy Settings' page, click on 'View Settings' to see who can search for you, send messages to your account, see your education and work settings and more. Change all of these drop-down menus to 'Friends Only.'

(3) Return to the 'Privacy Settings' page and choose 'Customize Settings' near the bottom of the page. This new page will load a number of different privacy options, but you'll want to click through each one and change the setting to 'Only Me' so that nobody else can see your Facebook activity.

(4) Stay on the 'Customize Settings' page and scroll down to 'Things Others Share.' Here, you'll want to edit and disable settings so that your friends are unable to write on your wall, comment on posts and check you in to places.

(5) Return to the 'Privacy Settings' page and, under 'Apps and Websites' in the bottom-left corner, select 'Edit Your Settings.' This page shows all of the third-party websites and applications that you have given access to some of your Facebook information. If you see anything on this list that you want to remove, just click to remove it from the list.

(6) Stay on the 'Apps and Websites' page, scroll down to 'Instant Personalization' and select 'Edit Settings.' Uncheck the box at the bottom of this page to block other websites from accessing your Facebook interests. Select 'Confirm' when a pop-up asks you if you're sure you want to disable this option.